My Story

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Dec 5, 2017
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#1
Hey all,

I hope that you're all living happy lives, with friends and family that are accepting of you as a whole person. I don't know if that's the case though. I never shared my story in much detail before, so I will here. Someday I will also post in the advice section on coming out. A lot of people have a lot of questions on it, and I would probably post from a perspective that coming out is something important to live a happy life, but that you also have to be mindful of safety...

Coming out for me was anti-climatic. I told my mom, and she simply asked, "Did you think I'd be mad?" to which I said, "I didn't know". She said she was a "cool mom" and that she was okay with my sexuality. Today I'd correct her - she was being a "good" mom, which is something I worry she doesn't feel that she is, for allowing some of the things described in this story to happen. However, this simple story is very much the story I shared with everyone on this forum, but it's not really the whole story - it's just what I'm comfortable sharing. The whole story still makes me a bit uncomfortable to write about.

If you are thinking about coming out, and want my advice?

It's just to be safe. I knew I was safe with my mom and my friends, so I came out. At the time that it happened, it seemed simple, though terrifying! For several years, I didn't come out because I knew it wouldn't be safe to, but did my best to change my life, so I could make a life in which I could.

I didn't live with my mom for most of my life, and I've lived on my own for even less long... I lived with my father and his side of the family. Deeply religious, I was raised in turns by my grandmother and my father. My father had a proccupation with sexuality, and as a result, I didn't know what a gay person was until highschool (relatively late for someone my age), and even then, if talk of homosexuality appeared in the news, or a gay character appeared on television, the TV was quickly turned off, and I was sent to bed. Isolating me further, was that I had no access to internet until my late teens, and was very isolated from other family members and friends, who I generally wasn't allowed to see. Once one of my friends looked my number up in the phone book, and called my house asking if we could make plans - I remember this because I was severely punished. The only time I saw friends was at school, and summers made me downright suicidal... for this reason, I related to Harry Potter... :)

There was one occasion, that I do remember. In grade 8, we were making collages at school from old magazines, and for some reason I was drawn to shirtless pictures of males. Who woulda thunk that? I brought them home, and I must have been acting strangely, because my father made me empty my pockets. I was made to pack my bags by a very drunk father, who informed me that homosexuality was natures way of ensuring garbage could not reproduce. After ranting for many hours, he eventually fell asleep, and actually never mentioned the incident ever again. I actually forgot this happened, until I was older and understood the significance of the day. However, it's probably because of this, that I very much felt for my first few years of highschool, that it would be most easy to live my life as a closeted homosexual, before I even really understood what that actually meant.

I was chronically tired in highschool, because nightly rants were common in my house. These targeted me more than my brother, because my brother would agree with everything my father said, and so was sent to bed, while I would disagree with his racist/sexist tirades/endlessly going over why my mother was a terrible person, and so unfortunately was yelled at until about 2am every morning. I then woke up at 6am for school... when I got a job, I had to give my earnings to my father, who was generally drunk when I came home. I would attempt to sneak off to bed to skip the hours of ranting if he was drunk enough when I came home.... I remember ALWAYS being tired. I am a straight A student in university, but I barely got into university, because I had average marks in highschool - I actually did a difficult pre-med program to qualify for most university programs, after I graduated.

In grade 11, something in me changed, and I very simply wasn't going to accept being treated like that anymore. I got a "I want to see your Manager hair cut" and never took shit from anybody ever again. It was wrong, and also my brother was getting into drugs and becoming suicidal, and it was necessary to do something. I had also had the chance to learn about homosexuality (from this website actually, such a dumb website to have changed my life: http://www.stop-homophobia.com/ ), and I felt there was no good reason that I had to live my life this way. It was because I had come forward about how my father's side of the family treated me and my brother, who seemed to be suffering more than I. I think generally I have a more positive perspective, and I had started to believe very much that my life would get better - my brother though, was the opposite. One of my cousins works for child protective services, and organized a family meeting, and under the supervision of a police officer, I was allowed to choose whether I wanted to live with my mother, or on my own. Had the officer not been there, I am certain there would have been violence involved, because it was violence that led to happening. The intervention was timely, because I was moving out quite on my own, to stay with a friend's family at the time.

Afterwards, my life very simply changed. I had more freedom than I knew what to do with, and I wanted to know more about my sexuality. I had spent a long time developing a really toxic mindset internally towards it, so I wanted to change that.

But at the time, I had no gay friends. I had a close group of friends in highschool, but none of them were gay. I did want to come out, but I didn't really see the point or a need for it, or even understood what that really meant. I had no one to really talk to about my sexuality - which is why I joined a gay forum. Well - first I actually joined a dating site, but I wasn't impressed with the old men that messaged me. So I theeeen I joined the gay forum :D.

It wasn't the only thing that contributed, but I became a lot more comfortable with expressing myself, and being able to just talk to other people that did understand LGBT things did help. I eventually had my first boyfriend who I wasn't about to keep a secret, came out to my family and friends, and generally I have a happy life now. At the time, I worked really hard to get into a university program for nursing, but I don't think that was my passion, and switched into a similar program, but for social work. There are too many stories from people like mine, that are not going to have a happy ending, and perhaps I can work to change that.

One thing I will say about coming out, is that it never ends. You have to come out again, and again, and again as you meet new people. So being comfortable with yourself is really needed - and becoming comfortable, and believing in yourself, is something I did internally before I did it externally. But you could do both at the same time, I think I'm a bit melodramtic.

So... that's my story. Dunno if it will help anyone, but wanted to share :)
 
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Heathen

Forum Addict
Dec 3, 2017
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#2
I (for lack of a better word) enjoyed reading your story, I identified with so much of what happened and so much of how you felt. Even if your story doesn't help anyone, which it will, your experiences will enable you to be the person that CAN and WILL help someone. If there is anything good that can come from bad experience it is that it gives you the tools to be more empathetic.

I agree that coming out isn't a once in a lifetime thing, you are constantly coming out, both of which are still slightly wrong because you would have thunked that by now it would be like having green eyes....you are in a minority, but you function the same as everyone else but just ever so slightly 'different'.

I'm so glad you are in a better place, there has always been a curiosity, a warmth to you that appealed to me over the years. You are such a nice person, but that is the default setting for a Canadian isn't it?
 

Cridders

Forum Addict
Dec 10, 2017
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#3
It was so heartwarming to read that you came through all of your father's abuse, came out the other side a stronger person, comfortable with who you are. Because you are right, that is a good, and neccessary place to be. Stories like yours give hope to people in similar situations.

Thanks for sharing :)
 
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LyfeCakeBuff

Forum Addict
Dec 4, 2017
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#4
Really sorry that you had to go through all that but really happy that it all turned out good later on. Thank you for sharing this with us!
 

tashia

Forum Addict
Dec 3, 2017
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#5
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am happy that you are doing good now! Your story is very touching and I am sure will help others.
 

Bowyn Aerrow

Well-Known Member
Dec 5, 2017
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#6
A lot of come from abusive back grounds. Being LGBT sets you up for more abuse by everyone. Less now than in ancient days when I came out, but its still there. We find coping mechanisms, unfortunately those mechanisms are often self-destructive, alcohol/drug abuse, promiscuity, and other things that we may overlook as self-destructive but are also giving the person a temporary fix from what ails them.

The fact that you overcame this stuff your father lumped on you speaks highly of other members in your family who most likely did have positive effects on your choices. You got out in a sane manner. I had to run away at age 16 and “survive” on the streets hustling and of course that ended my high school days early, I later took the GED once I was able to.

Frankly, I know that my education looked terrible when it comes to the grades because starvation, sleep deprivation, terror, fear has that sort of impact on ones abilities. But like you once I got the opportunity to learn in a more pleasant environment I excelled.

You got out in a good way; you got a great chance to do something with the rest of your life. That is a very, very important break and I hope you don’t lose sight of that.

I know that there were other members who had chitty lives and had to survive over thrive. I hope they show up and share some of their lives to inspire.
 

YoungFK86

Active Member
Jan 8, 2018
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#7
What can I say? I remember about you, about part of the story you shared with us somewhere else in the past, and I always admired your positive and constructive attitude, so different than mine. You're so young (maybe today you're not that young as I'm not so young too! OMG!) but always seemed, to me at least, so adult in your choices.
Thanks for sharing, I hope to see you here again and again in the future, I think your words are helpful. And also yeah, you gave me a tip for my hypotetical co...